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The Juice Fast isthe staple dietof the be-more-beautiful-than-you-have-ever-been-before market.

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It can cure disease and breakbad habits such as compulsivelystuffing your face with Rolos in the middle of thenight.You will look gorgeousand feel happy even if J-Lo hasjust dumped you (Affleck), oryou have had to spend twoyears dressed up as an elf(Tyler in Lord Of The Rings).You will have a good relationshipwith your body/templeand live a life of peace.At the moment, my bottom istoo big to fit into the seats onthe London Underground,which isn't doing a lot for mysocial life. So Ido a small, careful jump at thechance of a celebrity-type juicefast and head for the Moinhos Velhos Health Retreat insouthern Portugal.The brochure promises"detoxification for body, mind& spirit".

The ten-day fast (andfour days of fast-breakingbecause you can't just break afast with a doughnut — it maykill you) will restore my innerbalance.

It will light me upwith holiness and I will surrender. Day 1I arrive in Portugal bloatedwith Jelly Babies, to which I am addicted, and travel toa valley in the middle ofnowhere.

The clinic is a series of stonecabins arranged around acentral house, with a flowerstuffedgarden and a gaggle ofchickens scrubbing about.

My room is basic and comfortableand on my bed is aleaflet with a picture of a digestivetract. Theancient Greeks Plato and Hippocratesapparently fasted. Even Jesus Christ fasted andalso described in the Bible howto do "gravity colonics".

Atleast, that's what it says in theleaflet — so it must be true. In the diningroom I find a group of young British women drinking hotwater and lemon.

They looklike someone has died, andthey don't speak.